What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 11:36
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I don,t even have a pension.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He knew the spot.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And i lived it daily.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She found it foreign!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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I was very sick at this time too.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
When she asked me how she looked .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were not on the streets..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
What did i know ?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was scared of men, in general
She married twice! .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was in good health!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I will be 64.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im still living with it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was seconnd youngest,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
(And it was in our own minds.)
It was going to be , some day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Ive learnt so much.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We all went to grammer schools
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Would this be the day?
So, i spoilt her more .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So whats the point in blame.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She wouldn,t have been !
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Comes on , in middle age.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My life is so biszare .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But, we were locked up after school.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Who then, do I blame.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I have no regrets .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My family never makes their pension either.
I think the readers, may guess!
This is soul school!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She loved him until the end.
All the time i was locked up.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I never cut or harmed myself..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I write beautiful poetry .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was 9 years of age.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One cannot live in the past .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Put me off passion for life!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I said to her
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.